When Your Man Won't Shave His Beard

4.04.2013

When your your man won't shave his beard...
you drug him and then shave it off secretly in the middle of the night.

Kidding.
But seriously.
Look at this thing.
My grizzly mountain man.

Yesterday, we were walking up the stairs to our apartment, and the people below us (who, by the way, think Jordan's name is Justin) said, "Hey! I didn't even recognize you with all that hair on your face!" And Jordan was like, "Yeah, I've been growing it out." Then our neighbor said, "It's big!" And I was like, "Yeah! You tell him!" And then I was like, Um, did they think I was coming home with some other guy? Awkward....

At first, I didn't notice the beard because I see it every day. It's like watching someone get taller. Then one day it's large and in charge, and I'm punching him in the middle of the night because I accidentally feel his face and think he's a killer. Okay maybe not a killer but definitely Paul Bunyon or something.

So I'm like, "Either I go, or the beard goes."

And he chooses the beard because something about how I promised I wouldn't leave him "till death do us part." So of course then there's nothing left to do but let him know when he gets food stuck in it. Which he does, a lot.

There's nothing I love better than saying, "Honey, you have some rice stuck in your beard." To which he replies, "I'm saving it for later."

Awesome.

I've always said that he can do what he wants with his hair, though. I mean, I'm not going to be one of THOSE wives. So I'm patiently waiting it out, because this can't go on forever.

The other day I asked him how long he was planing on keeping the beard.

Jordan: I'm trying to see how long I can grow it out before it starts to annoy me.
Me: Well, when do you think that will be?
*Crosses fingers that he'll say tomorrow*
Jordan: Actually, I think I already got past that point. It was really annoying me last week, and now it's not. I think I'm over it.
Me: Really.
Jordan: Yeah, I think I'm going to see if I can grow it out for a whole year.
Me: When did you start growing it out?
*Thinking he probably started last spring and the year is almost up*
Jordan: December.

It's April. Awesome again.

His ultimate goal is to grow his mustache long enough to be able to shape it using mustache wax. Greetings, Captain Hook.

I told him he'd be better off growing a Hitler mustache like MJ.
I don't care who you care, MJ is THE MAN. Seriously, he's in his 50s and still doing underwear commercials. #baller (um... pun not intended?)

Jordan didn't want to be like Mike, though, so basically I'm back to the idea of drugging him and shaving off his beard myself.
Because I CAN'T SEE HIS DIMPLES.

I married him because of his dimples. Fact.

DIMPLES.
Okay, sorry. I'm done.

I guess next December I'll be telling Justin,

Because when it's your wife or your beard, he's going to choose the beard.
That's exactly what I get for marrying an Oklahoma boy. My mom warned me this would happen.

Pray for me.

21 comments:

  1. Bahaha I will definitely keep you in my prayers, Amanda :)

    My husband doesn't grow facial hair due to his Native American background and he always talks about how he wishes he could have a big beard. Let's just say I am so thankful for those Native American hair follicles.

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  2. Hilarious...my husband always threatens to grow a beard but hasn't done it yet!

    I too love MJ, always will!

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  3. My husband's family just can't grow facial hair and I think if he somehow woke up with a beard, he'd die of happiness.

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  4. Well. Personally he is starting to look like the duck dynasty dudes. Who by the way all have cute dimples too and are millionaires. Could be something said for the beard. Love ya both and the beard.

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  5. Haha, I love the MJ stache!

    http://cbijicollection.blogspot.ca/

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  6. What a riot! I've got an occasional beard grower of my own, and he's also got dimples. Who can resist dimples? Luckily, it's never lasted long. Best of luck with your mountain man and have a great trip!

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  7. Haha, that beard is pretty impressive. Chris does a no shave November and by the end of the month I hate it! He's never gotten close to that amount of hair though... And oh yeah...don't you hate it when your mom is right? :)

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  8. lol--- what is it with men and their facial hair?! Jared goes through phases where he grows his out… but it ends up bugging him before too long, so luckily I don't have to complain much before he's ready to shave ;)

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  9. Reeese, one of your funniest posts. It was consistent laughs. Also, I think Jordan's beard is a little much, and that means it much be a lot much to normal people who don't have beard fetishes like I do. It' doesn't have to be fully shaved, just trimmed back. Like a hedge. Which is what his beard looks like. (This comment will make him cry and then capitulate. probably.)

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  10. I'm so sorry to hear about the beard because Movember was a really hard month for me.. Movember started out as beard October which morphed into a hideous stache mid November. I told him he had to shave it because we were going to Chicago for my first time and I refused to have him sporting an ugly mustache in our photos. I hope it goes away soon!! Feel your pain.

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    1. It's his face not yours. I hope he rolls his eyes then ignores you.

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    2. That is true. It's his face, and I don't force him to shave. This post was completely meant as a joke, and he approved it before I posted it.

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  11. this conversation cracks me up!
    you guys!!! hahaha,,

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  12. I actually did shave my boyfriends beard in his sleep!!! Like an hour ago.. Pretty much he just grabbed it out of my hand and said "how dare you!" And pushed me away and went back to sleep. At this point I know I'm in trouble either way so I'm just hoping I actually took a big enough chunk out for him to have to shave it.

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  13. LOL! I'm dealing with the same thing! Everyone stops us and says to my husband, "you look like the guy (Jace) on Duck Dynasty"! I try telling him... That is NOT a compliment!
    We've been battling this beard. He sends me article on studies done like "Women like bearded men better", and shows me pictures of "funny shirts" about beards and how they are only for real men... To which I reply, "have you noticed how UNattractive all of those men are modeling those shirts?"! He now has my 64 year old father, AND my brother in law growing beards, like some sort of competition. It's gross. It's distracting. I just want it gone so I can see that handsome face!!!


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    1. I feel your pain and this is almost a verbatem conversation with my husband. I despise the beard. I dont want him clean shaven necessarily, but its bad when you have told them you want to see their handsome face, its unattractive, and/or makes you look older. I have told him all this of which the beard ALWAYS wins. He shaved back in february to which I was all over him like omg I love it you look soooooooo good and hot, even people at his work told him it looked good.........He don't care. It sucks because Im always touching up my roots (i dye my hair blonde), thinking of outfits with him in mind, touching up nails, all the while he looks like a 5O year old terrorists with his beard. I hate it and looks gross. Nothing works....it sucks being unattracted to your husband while he has me keeping up with myself :(

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  14. My husband has grown a very unattractive beard. He is of Irish/Scotch heritage with mostly grey hair now, a freckled face, an auburn mustache and thing under his lip, but the rest of his beard is varying shades of grey. The beard is not soft at all, but like a scouring pad as it is mostly wiry grey. He thinks it is the most handsome look ever, but it is just gross to me. I don't look at him anymore, because I have to either grimace or laugh. The most disgusting thing is the way he sits and strokes his beard a lot ot the time. I guess he had to prove he can grow something as he is losing his hair at the crown of his head.

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  15. My husband has grown a beard on and off the past couple years. His recent beard is apparently here to stay. He is so impressed with it and tells everyone he hasn't shaved since our daughter was born in August. I have told him how gross I think it is and gag or cringe when he touches me with it or tries to kiss me. He too is hoping to use the mustache wax soon. He is already trying to shape his mustache upwards. (I think if he doesn't push it up he ends up eating it.) I try to deal with it but hate it. He shampoos it and uses beard oil but that doesn't make it any better for me. I like him with a little scruff but not a crazy bushy beard. Yikes! I hope it starts to annoy him soon!

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  16. My husband has grown a beard on and off the past couple years. His recent beard is apparently here to stay. He is so impressed with it and tells everyone he hasn't shaved since our daughter was born in August. I have told him how gross I think it is and gag or cringe when he touches me with it or tries to kiss me. He too is hoping to use the mustache wax soon. He is already trying to shape his mustache upwards. (I think if he doesn't push it up he ends up eating it.) I try to deal with it but hate it. He shampoos it and uses beard oil but that doesn't make it any better for me. I like him with a little scruff but not a crazy bushy beard. Yikes! I hope it starts to annoy him soon!

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  17. Oh girl!! I fell in love with my man because of his beard!! I can't imagine him without it! I'll have to send you a picture of him! :)

    However, I will pray for you and your patience with your husband and his.....lol :) Good luck!!

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