I Should Be Pregnant By Now

5.29.2013

Day 30 | React to this term: Letting Go*



I should be pregnant by now.
I should have a house by now.
I should have more money saved by now.
I should have my career figured out by now.
I should have a retirement account started by now.

These are all things I stress out about, things I had planned in my mind when I was younger. By the time I'm 26, thought Younger, Not-So-Wise Me, I'll be here, doing this, owning that.

And, well, now that I'm here--doing this and owning that--I wonder who it was that decided it was "normal" to do this or that by a certain time anyway.

Obviously our list of "I shoulds" is different for everyone.

I should be married by now.
Or engaged.
Or dating at LEAST, right? Where all them boys at?
I should be skinny by now.
I should be out of debt by now.
I should have moved out of my parents' house by now.

My family reads this blog (hi, Dad!), so I've never really talked about pregnancy/baby stuff because it's leaning too far into the personal and potentially awkward side of things.

(Side story: The first time we saw my dad after our honeymoon, Jordan said to me, "I'm going to feel awkward around your dad." 
"Why?" I asked.
"Because, well... you know."
So there's that.
Cue the awkward turtle.)
I will say, though, that Jordan and I haven't started trying to have a baby yet. But I'm in a stage of my life where it seems like everyone I know is popping out one of those little people, and it makes me feel like I should be ready for that too. My friends are buying houses and painting walls, and I feel like I'm behind. They're figuring out their jobs and paving their career path, and I'm working a part-time job while I figure out what the heck I'm doing. 

In terms of my career and our finances, Jordan says right now we're "hovering." Not going down, not going up: just hovering. Leave it to him to use a flight metaphor. 

So when I read the prompt for today about reacting to the term "letting go," my first thought was that right now I'm learning to let go of my plans. I'm learning to let go of my list of "should haves" and focus on being content with where I'm at and what I have. 

One of my biggest fears is that I will look back on my life or a period of my life and realize that I spent so much time worrying about the future that I missed it. I missed the beauty of where I was because I was worrying about the potential of what was to come. My "should have" list, if you will.

And I know everyone does that a little bit to some extent. It's impossible not to all the time. But I want to enjoy where I'm at; and while I will make plans for the future, I don't want that to define my now. I'm not behind, and although some things ARE in my control--like how much I search for a job or actually trying to have a baby--I know some things aren't--like me getting fired or infertility, to name a few. Not that I know I'm infertile. I'm just saying it could happen. And now I'm talking about babies again. Hi, Dad!

I guess what I'm saying is, to use the old cliche, it's not about the destination but the journey. I'll get there--wherever there even is--and at the end of the day I am certain that I shouldn't be anywhere but where I am right now.

And until I get where I'm going, the only thing I should do is eat more cupcakes. 
Amen and amen.


*I feel like I've been writing a lot of introspective (read: possibly mildly depressing) posts lately. I'm an extroverted thinker (aka the exact opposite of Jordan), and it spills out into this internet space of mine. I so very much appreciate all your thoughtful comments that make me feel not quite so crazy and alone.



28 comments:

  1. I love this post and I can totally relate! I'm one of those who feels like by 30 (eek, did I really just have to write that) I should be married.....or at least dating someone...for a while. You are right, enjoy now, it will come (I hope)

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  2. Most of my friends met their spouses in college and married immediately after graduation-- a fairly common thing where I live. I always felt "behind" in my plans. In my head, I would be married by 22, pregnant by 25, and done having babies by 30.

    That's not how my life turned out, but that's okay because that was God's plan for me. I had to release my expectations, and I can't imagine life any differently than it is right now.

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  3. I really understand where you are coming from. I feel like I'm always waiting for the "next thing" that I'm "supposed" to do. I feel like I have spent my entire life in that mode. I'm trying to learn to slow down and love/live the place I'm in right now, but it's pretty difficult at times.

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  4. If there's one thing that I've learned in the past few years, it's that our plans don't always run parallel to God's. I though that I had to have a baby by the time I was 30. I had a miscarriage the three and a half months before my 30th birthday. Two years later, I had a healthy baby. I did have to let go of what I thought my life should be like. I had to learn to appreciate each day and stop waiting for my life to start "if" or "when" something happened.

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  5. I'm sure you've read this scripture before: Psalm 37:23
    The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord: and he delighteth in his way. It seems so elementary, but it's rock solid truth. Sometimes we see His hand working right before our very eyes, and sometimes we have to be like Peter. Keeping our eyes on Him as we walk out of our comfort zones and ideals; ignoring the waves of The Unknown. :)

    I have a book you need to borrow, remind me to tell you about it tomorrow because I might forget.

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  6. Great post, well written. My husband was totally the same about the 'awkward around my Dad' thing... Haha. You will find your place and when you think you have everything planned out, God's plans will be totally different to yours and you will just go with them :) xx

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  7. Great post!!! And believe it or not my husband said the same thing after we got back from our honeymoon too, it was cute!

    Xoxo
    Petchie
    http://psblogbook.blogspot.com

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  8. I love your blog--always look forward to what you will say next. I heard recently about a poll taken of older folks--the number one thing they would do differently if they could live over again was not to worry about things. (Easy to say, not so easy to carry out. I do my best worrying at 3:00 a.m. lying in bed).

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  9. I completely relate. Almost everyone that I know aroundy age (and younger!) has one baby, going on two. We've been married for almost five years and I feel behind...and it makes me wonder why I'm not on the "right" time table. But, there is no such thing, even if there does seem to be a general "expected" time table.

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  10. I relate so strongly to this post, and have lived my life up until now feeling those exact things. And now that I do have some of the things I knew I wanted, I realize how fast I rushed through some potentially amazing times in my life. You're not alone and realizing things will happen when the time is right is so good. Enjoying your now is good. :)

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  11. I loved your post and how you worded this just right. I wish I had found your blog sooner through the link-up! I have wrestled with feelings like I'm getting too old to be childless/I wish I was done with grad school and not just starting it, boo. But, I let that go and realized that I'm in my prime and happy to be where I am! Yes to cupcakes!

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  12. Be. Present.

    I struggle with that ALL the time. And I think growing up in the church put extra pressure on us as an added bonus to society as a whole. But at least you're aware now & not in hindsight.... be present in your life.

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  13. Seeing as you realize that it's all about the journey -you've already arrived (pretty zen, huh). This is coming from someone that is now 44 and at 18 thought that old age started at 25. Little did I know... :)

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  14. I had this same realization a year and a half ago that it was okay to enjoy my life right now even if I wasn't where I wanted to be. We'll never have everything in life exactly as we like it, but there is a lot of good in the in between. I appreciate your introspective posts. They show a lot of depth.

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  15. Yesss!! I want to show this post to a few people in my life! I see so many people going through quarter-life crises, or trying to shove their current situations into their plans (which is only going to end in tears). It's so important to be flexible and work with what you've got--adjust to the times and focus on keeping yourself and your loved ones happy. I'm so glad you wrote about this!

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  17. I wrote about the same thing...letting go my need for control. I like to know what is going to happen in my future, the next steps I should take. I'm learning to let go of what I think I need and want in my life, and am trusting that God will take care of me. I am learning to be content where I am and not wishing to be somewhere else.

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  18. I don't know if this will make you feel better or not, but when I look at your life on your blog I often think, "I should be better with money. I should be out of debt like Amanda and Jordan. I should start running. I should blog more. I should be a better photographer."

    I really should be better with money, and I really should start running. But I am trying to let go of my horrible photography skills and accept that it's just never going to be my thing.

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  19. Wow. I feel like I'm readin about my own life in this post. I'm going thru exactly the same things/thoughts lately, except I'm 29 years old. Eating cupcakes sounds like a great alternative to worrying. lol

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  20. Right on girl, I get "the question" ALOT right now too, and focusing on where I am and appreciating it has brought so much more life than when I let myself spend time wishing for what I don't have. I love reading your blog and a lot of times it sounds like my thoughts on the screen!

    Great writing girl, keep it up :)

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  21. The questions never stop, either. I have a husband, and a house, and a kid, and now the questions are, When are you having the next one? (Maybe next week, maybe never) How many kids are you going to have? (Maybe twelve, maybe one.) Are you going to send them to public school? (She's eight month's old.) Did you breastfeed? (Nunya.) Why doesn't your baby have teeth yet?(How would I know?) Don't you miss being pregnant? (Only the elastic waist pants.)

    It's never ending.

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  22. Cupcakes certainly help you to figure out the solutions to the rest of life's problems.

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  23. Such a great post, my friend!!! I completely understand everything you wrote. You're not alone in this...even though our lists may be different :) Enjoy this time 'cause at some point, you'll wish you had it back!

    xo-lianne

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  24. Theory: any time you put the word "pregnant" in the title of a post, a blogger will get more comments. :)

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  25. Mimsie, it looks like you're right! I might have done that on purpose :)

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  26. :) that is one of my biggest heart checks :: am i wishing my life away? there is so much good int he now but we are wired to look next, what is next, who is next, what does God need us to do next?... i do not have baby fever yet but it is the season of babies. You just have to take each day and a gift and enjoy the little things. what a sad day it would be to reach the end of your life and see that you were never content - just always wanting and perusing "the next thing"

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  27. Just found Your blog… And I absolutely love this post. At 33, I can completely relate to where you're coming from. And I love what Wendy said, and I couldn't agree more, by recognizing this and focusing on enjoying the journey you have arrived. It is so easy to focus on where society thinks we should be, but what I've realized in the last few years is that I want to enjoy exactly where I am right now versus putting pressure on myself to be where I "should be". So much easier said than done… But on those days when I actually achieve it, it is the best.

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  28. Yes, I completely relate to the challenge of letting go of the 'should be doings' and focusing on RIGHT NOW. I try to make the most out of each day and accomplish a little bit of my long term goals as I can. Live in the now, it's all we truly have.

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