On my post 13 things you should ask yourself before the end of 2013 from a few weeks ago, I admitted that I am terrible at keeping a cleaning schedule. Two real-life friends of mine left me a comment to tell me how much it meant to them that I am bad at cleaning.
I can see how, with all the running posts and the general hilarity I bring to your lives during the week, you might find yourself holding the incorrect belief that I am without flaws and keep my apartment perfectly clean whilst I cook fabulous dinners and simultaneously fold laundry with my feet. Which is actually kind of gross, so nevermind. That was a bad example of multitasking.
Just in case you hold this belief as well, I thought I should set the record straight. I am, in fact, a regular human person who doesn't have it all together. And it just might make you feel better to know...
...I don't floss. Except when I have corn in my teeth. I count these occasions as "sometimes," which is what I tell my dentist when he asks if I floss.
...Sometimes I forget I washed a load of laundry and let it sit, wet, in the washer for a few days, wherein I open the washer to do a load of laundry and find wet, musty clothes. Then I get sad.
...Sometimes when I actually remember to put the clothes in the washer, I forget to take them out of the dryer, in which case I wonder where all my underwear went, only to find a full load of dry, wrinkled clothes that's been sitting in the dryer for a week. Then I get sad.
...I do not own a mop.
...My cleaning schedule consists of speed cleaning when I know someone is coming over.
...I eat a lot of peanut butter directly from the jar with a spoon. A lot of peanut butter.
...I always choose the larger size spoon over the smaller size when peanut butter is involved.
...When I make chocolate chip cookies, I always save some of the dough in a separate jar to eat later. And by "some" of the dough, I mean a lot of the dough.
...Last year, I didn't take down my Christmas wreath until July.
...This year I'm well on my way to breaking that record.
...Once, I woke up early before work to do a Jillian Michaels video and then fell asleep in the middle of the floor.
...I can't seem to ever remember to replace the toilet paper. Jordan and I fight about this on the daily, as kids these days like to say.
...There's a jar of something weird in the back of my refrigerator. It's been back there for a while, and now I'm kind of scared to touch it. I think it's growing things.
...Sometimes (read: all the time) I say things that I think are really funny, and everyone just stares at me. It's awkward.
...The first time I tried to put my bookshelf together, I built it backwards.
...I took it apart and built it again. Backwards.
...I only recently discovered that there's such a thing as dusting your ceiling fan.
...Speaking of dusting...
Actually, I'd rather not talk about it.
...One time, I had to say the alphabet out loud so I could figure out where Z was. That is a 100% true story, and I honestly can't decide if it's more hilarious or horrifying.
I could go on, but I think I've been honest enough for one day.
What should I know about you that will make ME feel better?