How to Not Grow Your Blog (and Possibly Lose Followers)

1.22.2016


I have been blogging for almost six years, and in that time I have seen a lot of blogs come and go. I have also seen a lot of successful bloggers sharing tips and tricks for growing your blog by the thousands! Yes, you can follow their advice and see your blog numbers skyrocket. But why on earth would you want to do that when you can have your stats do this instead?

I respectfully suggest that there are just not enough "how to" posts out there about how to not grow your blog at all and even possibly lose followers. But don't worry, because that is about to change today. If you're interested in learning how to have your blog stats look flatter than the state of Oklahoma and then take a nosedive, read on, my good people!

1. Blog sporadically

Schedules are for people who have way too much time on their hands. Don't have a new post every day so people know to come to your blog for new content! That's just ridiculous. A little known fact about internet people is that they love checking the same website every day only to find nothing new to read. It's like a fun social experiment to see how long they will go until they give up altogether. Try it and watch your stats go down within the month. Like magic.

2. Write long posts

People love to read long blog posts, especially if you don't use a lot of pictures. Also, absolutely do not use vertical images with clickable text. We both know you don't want people finding you from Pinterest. What a disaster.

3. Don't publicize new posts on social media

Make people work for your content. Don't tweet out a link to your new post every half hour. Doing this means more people will see it! Dumb and dumber. What you need to do is never tweet about your blog at all. If you write it they will come, and by that of course I mean they aren't going to come unless you tell them to come, which we won't. Because science.

4. Have a baby

This of course won't be possible for everyone, but if you really are serious about not growing your blog, you need to start growing something else: a baby like yesterday. Your readers will love all of those weekly baby updates and favorite registry posts, and they will click that "unfollow" button faster than you can say "that hurts my feelings a little bit, but it's okay because my baby is cute."

5. Blog about real life

For the love of David Bowie (too soon?), don't teach people anything. These DIY and how-to posts are much too helpful and much too interesting to the average blog reader. What you need to do is blog about your personal life. Be an actual lifestyle blogger, and your blog will lose all hope of ever making it to the big time. 

Sell something or don't bother showing up. Amen.
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So there you have it! A few tips from me to you about how not to grow your blog in 2016. Try some of these and let me know if they work for you! Or don't actually, because we're not here to learn. 

Man, I'm such a hypocrite. 

On second thought, forget everything I just told you.

**No bloggers were harmed during the writing of this post, but I think I just lost six followers. 

38 comments:

  1. Haha! Love this post Amanda! Great tips! :D

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  2. I had to laugh because I am so sick of bloggers telling me how to blog. I want real life. Just because I dont have a baby doesn't mean that I dont want to read about someone else's life with a baby and little real snippets. I wish more people would go back to how blogging used to be. It was a lot more fun then!

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  3. Haha! Cute. I had to laugh because I definitely do some of these. And I have never had any interest whatsoever in having a big time blog with lots of followers. I like to make connections with bloggers that I like (such as you, friend) but all the trolls and pettiness that come with having a big blog? No thank you! So it's good to know I'm doing a few things right. ;-)

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  4. HAHAH! Best post ever :) You know you are one of my favorite blogs to read and maybe it just makes it more exciting that I'm not sure when there will be a new post up from you. Keeps me on my toes ;)

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  5. This cracked me up! In all honesty though, I love your "real life" posts about your personal life...perhaps because we're at the same stage in our lives and I can totally relate, but whatever...I still love everything you post!

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  6. Haha! Hilarious. And totally worth losing those six followers ;) I personally cannot relate to anyone who can maintain a 5 posts a week blog, so I'm more likely to follow those more "Oooooh look! I finally managed to post today blogs."

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  7. Life has it's ups and downs, and I have a feeling so do blog lives(if that's a thing. I think so.) But this is pretty funny!

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  8. This post is so clever and funny. I love reading your baby posts even though I am nowhere near the baby stage myself (one day I'll get there as long as my biological clock doesn't do me in) because you have such a great writing style. Thank you!

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  9. This is classic Lady Okie! Priceless. There are too many articles out there on how to grow your blog, and not nearly enough on how to not grow it. I'm glad you took on this desperately needed task and filled the void!

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  10. You really know how to make a girl laugh! Love it!

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  11. And the key...To post about how NOT to grow your traffic. LOL!!! :) THIS is why I love you and your blog. :)

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  12. What an excellent, insightful post. I already do 1, 3 and 5, and sometimes 2. The baby is the only thing missing. I'm SO on the right track! I can't wait to lose more followers! :)

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  13. Please keep your blog. I've been following you since almost Day 1. Even if you are sporadic or have a baby. You are a good writer, funny and have something to say!

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  14. Well it looks like I'm on the right road. ;)

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  15. perfect. I'm right on track minus the having a baby part and my one sad tweet that goes out automatically when I post!! However, I thought having a baby was one of the best things to grow your blog because the endless supply of new content (never mind you may not have time to write it all now), but on second thought maybe that's Instagram!! Cute babies are most definitely all the rage there.

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  16. Too funny! I'm too stubborn to give up on blogs I love... even when it's been a year since his/her last post and she might've moved to the moon... I hold on to hope! So obviously, you're totally failing at failing! But don't worry, I'll still check back daily when you finally succeed! :)

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    1. That's too funny :) I need to work better at failing!

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  17. hahahaha! Yes! But honestly, I don't get the popularity of DIY blogs. If I want to do anything, I just make it up, I don't waste time reading the internet. Real-life stories are where it's at, it's just that the rest of the world has no idea what they're missing. Ah well, too bad for them.

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  18. I appreciate the fact that when you tweeted about this it only linked to your blog in general and not a specific post. So it just said "How to Not Grow Your Blog: The Lady Okie".

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  19. Love it! I like seeing people's baby updates...just not every day. I'm over here like, "Yeah...that's cute. I don't have one of those. So..." I'm determined to remember this at the point I do start having children.

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  20. These are all great, but really let's be honest, have a baby is the only thing that needs to be on this list. Haha. I'm a year in and am finally trying to blog about something other than monthly updates of my child. Oops.

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  21. Bahaha! I don't think my blog has grown at all in at least two years. Solidarity, Mama.

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  22. So true on the baby thing, and I'm ok with that! :)

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  23. Fabulous! I think I've done each and every one of these. Haha. It's a good thing i don't have any ambitions to generate income from my blog.

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  24. Wait...David Bowe is dead too? Aw, man!

    http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0100762/

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    1. Ha! Touché. Silly missing i.

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    2. Didn't Blackbeard say that too?

      Enjoyed the entry!

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  25. "Be an actual lifestyle blogger, and your blog will lose all hope of ever making it to the big time.

    Sell something or don't bother showing up. Amen."

    hahahahahhahahaha --> wahhhhhhhh

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  26. that is the sound of me laughing/crying with truth

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  27. hahaha this post. definitely unfollowing you soon, so sick of seeing your adorable baby and all her adorable clothes! meanwhile, i forgive the david bowie remark because at least you didn't say alan rickman ;) haha.
    when i first started blogging, i wanted to be huge (ha) and now i'm quite happy staying where i am, and i actually don't want to get any bigger. not that i can, or will, but you know? so much pressure on bigger bloggers. if i start to get too big, i'll have a baby. lol.

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  28. Absolutely to all of the above. More How Not to Grow Your Blog posts! Hear hear! Who wants to be internet-famous anyway? It's funny, I think having a baby actually helped my blog grow! It made me get more focused, and gave me something to think about in the middle of the night while I nursed my baby and tried not to fall asleep on him.

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  29. Such truth here! AND I'm totally the sporadic blogger right now! BUT it was either lost my sanity or be sporadic so I picked the better part. ha!

    Blogging is a wonderful but weird thing to me. And I know it is good to share your posts on social media but I just can't do it all the time. Like how in the heck do people schedule posts to get tweeted, IG and put on FB and who knows where else. That takes the fun out of it for me. =)

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  30. ALSO

    I'm sorry your feelings got hurt because of blogging about R. It's weird how that works. I can see both sides because I'm not a parent yet so sometimes it can be hard to relate. However,I think it is really fun to cheer people on as parents and to read about their lives.

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  31. I love it when you write these types of posts! Too funny!

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  32. This is hilarious! I've got a few I could add to that list as well!

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  33. Well this could be one of the best posts you've ever written! ;) haha!!! I love it. You rock.

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  34. This is awesome! I have perfectly accomplished every step! #4 is coming! AND we are preparing our hearts and home for foster care, and I don't think I have had one. single. visitor! Thus, these are GREAT tips! Glad I popped in when I did!

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