On Seasons

4.16.2021


All week long I've been saying it's the wrong day. On Wednesday I kept thinking tomorrow was Saturday. On Friday I thought tomorrow was Sunday. I don't know why I'm so confused, but I feel like lately every week has felt like one of "those" weeks.

I've been thinking a lot lately about where I was 5 years ago. R was 8 months old, we were just a few months into full-time daycare, full-time me working at the office five days a week, and I was crying. A lot. I don't think I fully realized at the time how traumatic that year was for me because I was just trying so hard to keep one foot in front of the other.

Being away from R for so much of the day was heartbreaking for me, emotionally exhausting, and I was so sensitive to and aware of messages and phrases that I perceived to shaming my ability to be a good mom because I wasn't with her during the weekdays. 

I wasn't a "full-time mom."
I was "letting someone else raise her."
I was not doing The One Thing that Makes The Most Impact in all the world.

The voice was talking to me constantly, telling me that I'd miss her first everything, that she wouldn't be able to bond with me, that I wasn't really a very good mother or I would have found a way to quit my job and stay at home with her.

I won't say the voice is gone completely. But I realize now that it's not telling me the full story, or even part of the story. Or, honestly, any story at all. At least not any story worth listening to.

A few years ago, I was thinking about that first year going back to work after having R, thinking about the angsty blog posts I wrote and the dramatic Instagram captions and the long text messages I sent my friends full of crying faces. I felt a little embarrassed about being so vulnerable, online and in private. And I felt embarrassed about how completely I viewed nearly everything in my life at that point through the lens of "working mom."

It's been 5 and a half years since I dropped R off at daycare for the first time, and now my three kids go to that same daycare five days a week while I work (at home! A pandemic adjustment). I consider myself both a "full-time mom" and an "employed mom," but neither of those phrases hold the weight they used to.

Sometimes, I'll just be honest, I do wish I didn't have a job that required my time, focus, and effort. There's a stressful situation at work that I keep thinking about in the evenings the last week. If I didn't have a job, I could concentrate completely on my family all the time and not also worry about being a good employee, sick leave, vacation days, and fitting in errands and housekeeping somewhere in there too. I would be able to spend more time with my kids. That's just a fact.

But just because it's a fact doesn't mean it's not also true that I'm a good mom. I'm a present mom. I'm an involved mom.

These two things are true at the same time: 
My kids are in daycare five days a week because I work a full-time office job. 
I am a full-time mom. I love them, and they love me.

I think about that me from 5 years ago and want to tell her this, but I don't think she would believe me even if I could. I'm not embarrassed anymore about what I wrote and shared during that time. It was a helpful way for me to process some of my feelings, and I've heard from several people that reading my blog was an encouragement to them during a similar transition.

I don't know quite how to end this post. This wasn't actually what I came on here to write about, but I guess I've just been thinking about that time in my life and wanted to write some closure to that season. R will be starting Kindergarten this fall, and to be honest I'm feeling anxious about that big change coming up for all of our routines.

But if I've learned anything in my 5.5 years of motherhood, it's that everything is a phase, a season. I'm anxious but also excited to see what our new season will look like!

spring forward.

3.21.2021

Well we sprung forward. Am I too late, or can we still talk about this?

I feel like at this point the spring time change has no other purpose than to remind us all that no matter what else we may disagree on, we can all get excited about it not getting dark at 4:00 in the evening. BUT. It comes with the price of being tired every day for the next eleventy hundred days. My clock says it's 10:00 and time to go to bed, but my brain lies and tells me it's only 9, so I stay up way past the time I need to be asleep. It's a vicious circle I have so far been unable to climb out of it.

My 3-year-old DID NOT care that it was only 6am when he shouted excitedly in my face, "The sun is up, so I'm up!" Needless to say, the kids are very confused. Jordan and I are tired. It's going well.

Speaking of J, he will be 4 in June, and I just today finally finished his baby book! I had it mostly filled out but was missing a few of the monthly photos and one photo of his first haircut. I tracked them down and ordered from my favorite online printing shop (not affiliated, but I do love them a lot).

After the first-year baby book, I have a second scrapbook going for each of the kids where I do one spread per year. I'm mostly finished with R's up to age 4. My goal is to finish age 5 by the time she turns 6, so I have a few months still. J's is finished through age 3, and I just ordered my photo album to start on F's!

Speaking of F, we were able to have a little birthday party for him, and it was so much fun! He is perfectly average for weight and height, though his head is in the 90th percentile LOL. He is not interested at all in walking or standing, but he crawls super fast, pulls up on everything, and loves climbing into his little kid chair and sitting. He gets so proud of himself.

Probably his defining characteristic is how loud he is when he eats. He hums and shrieks and laughs and pounds on his tray demanding more food. It's cute but actually quite loud and sometimes I'm like, okay be quiet now.

Okay, I gave myself a certain amount of time to write, and it's almost up, so I'll do a few currently prompts before I go. Trying to get back in the swing of writing. I miss it and feel rusty.

choosing: tile for our bathroom. Jordan and I made a giant list of all the house projects we want to do and narrowed down our top 3 choices to work on this spring. One of them is to tile our bathroom! Did I tell this story on here? Our bathroom used to be carpet (why, previous homeowners? whyyy), but one morning when J was potty training we found him sitting on the floor surrounded by a pile of poop. He was trying to clean it up himself and was rubbing poop into the carpet with an entire package of wet wipes. Good times! So, Jordan ripped up the carpet and we've had concrete floor for over a year. Finally getting around to picking out tile, and I'm so excited.

imagining: how good I will feel when I actually go to bed at a decent time. It's happening tonight, people!

making: sugar cookies. I've gotten into baking and decorating sugar cookies since Christmas. It's a fun little hobby, and I am not a professional by any means, but I definitely think I'm getting better! Every time I learn something new. I'm going to try to make some bunny-shaped cookies for Easter.

wearing: skinny jeans and comfy tops. Basically I'm old and not on trend. I still can't get behind jeans with jagged bottom hems and high-waisted pants with crop tops. I'm sorry! But I'll never say never, because I said that about skinny jeans so I clearly cannot be trusted.

Ah! My time is up. So long until next time. I do sincerely hope spring forward is treating you better than it's treating me ;) 

Birthday Musings

2.18.2021

I think I forgot how to write on here. I've opened my computer to blog the last few nights and ended up staring at a blank screen. Easing into it with a quick update, and then maybe I'll be back for more? Who can say. I'm living hour to hour over here, anyone else?

Today (Thursday when I'm writing this) was the first day we left the house since Saturday morning, which if you're counting that's five, yes FIVE days of all five of us trapped in our house due to an epic snowstorm and record-breaking low temperatures that Oklahoma has seen approximately never. We are so thankful to so far not have had any issues with pipes freezing or bursting, because I know several people that's happened to. 

Our street is a solid block of ice, and I'm not sure if I will be able to get out to take the kids to daycare in the morning, but I guess we shall see. You better believe I will try. Anyone who has ever taken care of a child knows this, but it's impossible IMPOSSIBLE, I SAY, to get any actual work done when kids are around. Moving on.


Baby F is a year old! I can't believe it either. This year went so fast and yet somehow was also the eternal year that never ended. Global pandemic, riots, crazy presidential election, impeachment trials, giant ice storm, multiple snowstorms, and what the heck else happened this year?! 

He won't remember a thing about any of it, but I sure will. I had a baby, went on maternity leave, and then just never went fully back to my office. It was weird. 

I have more thoughts about F turning one, but I'm having a hard time putting them into any kind of coherent structure. Maybe later.


I started seeing a counselor last fall. It's actually been something I've always said would probably be helpful for me. I'm a verbal processor, and Jordan is, well, not. So the idea of having a third party to talk to has always appealed to me. Without going into too much detail, I'll just say that the past year and a half have been incredibly difficult with J. I think the pandemic and being with the kids more by myself brought out some feelings that I wanted to talk through, and specifically as it pertained to J. I've gone several times since (about once every 4-6 weeks), and it's been really helpful. I feel thankful to be able to have the opportunity!

Okay, I'll let that be it for now. I hope if you are reading this you are doing well and staying warm!
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