Cataracts, Dead Bodies, and Robots: Why I'm Crazy


I sit at a desk all day, reading books on the computer. This worries me. About every hour or so I’ll suddenly realize I’m too close to my computer screen. Freak out ensues over the fact that for some reason (I’m inclined to blame gravity) I’ve slowly become sucked in over the last half hour, and now I’m just inches away from cataracts.

Incidentally, up until about a month ago, every time I went to the eye doctor I told him my family had a history of cataracts. Come to find out through a very confusing conversation with my mother, no one in my family has ever had cataracts.

I think I’m still going to tell them I have a history of cataracts just so they give me some extra-special attention.

I think about the bodies. You know, the dead bodies being buried in the ground every day. And how they’re being stacked one on top of the other. What happens when they can’t fit any more down there, in the ground? Forget large potholes. Soon we’ll have to maneuver our cars around stacks of bodies. But I suppose by that time we’ll be flying robot cars, so I suppose this fear is unnecessary.

I also worry, as does any conscientious American, about the environment. Trees and garbage and (the worst of it all) sewage. I mean, where does it all go? I’ll tell you where it goes…back in our drinking water. Thus the reason I use a filter, which, incidentally, I haven’t switched out in over a year. So I suppose the use of my filter is now irrelevant. But it makes me feel better.

I try to be a good tree hugger and not use plastic bottles. But recently I found out that Nalgenes have something bad in them that leaks into the water and will inevitably poison me and lead to an untimely death. What the heck? Is nothing safe?

No, don’t answer that.

I type all day, so of course I worry about getting carpal tunnel. I’ve gone on Web MD at least fifty times to check the symptoms. I have none of them, but my family has a history of it. (They don’t really…I think.)

My spine is deteriorating because I sit in a chair all day. So I try and stand every once in a while, only to realize that due to the flat shoes I’m wearing, my arches are flattening out.  

I could go on, but I don’t want to bore (or frighten) you with my insane musings. Of course, they would be insane if they weren’t true. Which they are (true, that is, or at least based on truth), so I suppose they’re worth noting if for no other reason than to highlight the fact that I’m clearly just a little crazy.

But seriously, I do have a legit fear of snakes and a fear of going blind, which I think would be worse than being deaf. Because at least I could see a snake coming at me—a fact that is more likely in Oklahoma than Illinois.

Oh, and did I mention robots? They terrify me. And space. It's endless and dark and...scary. There are black holes and stuff floating around and exploding. And have I mentioned that it's dark?

So basically my worst nightmare would involve me, in space, being sucked into a black hole alongside a robot snake. Having to maneuver around stacks of dead bodies. While slowly going blind.

I wish I were kidding. 

Hannah said...

I can completely relate! I worry about carpel tunnel and losing my eyesight. Boo. But the improbability of all your fears coming true does make things better (or at least they made me laugh).

PAM said...

Oh Amanda you're killing me! Loved reading your post, but...if in fact what you fear does come true, the fact you feared it and worried about it made no difference at all! Love you

Anonymous said...

It IS scary! You are totally right!! You have created the ultimate worst nightmare haha Have you read Ray Bradbury's book The Illustrated Man? If not, I'm advising you NOT to!! :) It's this blog post in a nutshell.