A Sterile Boyfriend and a Text Message


Last night, I stopped at Jordan's house to return a shirt he'd left in my car when we drove to Texas last weekend. We didn't have any extra hands when I was dropping him off, and he told me to just leave the shirt in my car and he'd get it later. Well, later never came, and for four days I was paranoid that it would fly out the window, never to be seen again. 

Case in point: I was driving down the road yesterday at 60 mph, and I heard a rustle. I freaked out, thinking it was Jordan's shirt, and quickly turned to look...and swerved into oncoming traffic . I screamed and yanked the wheel to the right, which caused the shirt in question to rustle again. I then glared at it and stuffed in under the seat.

Which brings me to my unexpected visit to his house last night to return the deathly article. I really didn't want my aspiring life to end because of a white collared shirt, cute though it may be on a certain dimpled male from Oklahoma.

So I brought it inside, and we went into the living room to watch a little late-night baseball before I went home. I sat down and immediately grabbed a blanket to curl my legs under (Jordan's living room is a freezer), in the process accidentally kicking him in a certain area. I, being a female and not understanding the horrifying pain said accidental kick can cause, started laughing when his face contorted in pain. (I'm such a nice girlfriend.)

Enter today and the aforementioned funny text message, which occurred between Jordan and myself earlier this morning:

Jordan: Allergies are fierce today.
Me: Sorry. I wish I could kick them in the face. But I suppose I would just be kicking you in the face, which defeats the purpose. So never mind. 
Jordan: Well you had no problems kicking me in a certain other place so I don't know why the face would matter. It's all to your detriment really. What good is a sterile and disfigured boyfriend? Not much I tell you. Not much.

Here's what I learned from this experience:

1. Don't keep shirts loose in your car with the windows rolled down. You're taking your life into your own hands. Don't say I didn't warn you.

2. When you--accidentally or not--kick a boy in a certain area, he will hold a grudge and find a way to bring it up in random conversation the next day. Be on guard.

3. A sterile and disfigured boyfriend is not much good. If you have one, get rid of him immediately.