Sexual Innuendoes. Let's Talk About Them.

11.26.2012

This is a family friendly blog, but there's something I really need to get off my chest:
Whoever comes up with sexual innuendoes is mean. Mean, I tell you!

I went to public school, so this isn't a case of the sheltered homeschooler. But unless I just blocked it out, I didn't get a birds and bees talk, and my parents didn't shove a book full of naked people into my lap either. 
I learned sexual innuendoes all on my own. 

And by on my own, I mean from my high school friends (you know who you are).
And by high school friends, I also mean college friends.
And by college friends, I also mean current friends.

If I had a dollar for every time I made a fool of myself for accidentally saying something sexual without knowing it, I would have at least 52 dollars. And you know how people ask for your most embarrassing moment and everyone just stares at one another because no one can think of anything good? Well not me. 

The most embarrassing moment of my ENTIRE LIFE happened because of a sexual innuendo. Let's just say that it involved high school Spanish class, verb translation, and the Spanish word fingir. 

I would talk about it, but I don't want to talk about it.
I want Sandra Bullock to play me in the movie.

It was better when I was single. My friends were like, "Oh, silly Amanda, she's so pure and innocent." Then I got married, and all of the sudden it's 1000x funnier when I have conversations with my friends and someone mentions meat, and I think we're talking about hamburgers. Seriously, that happened a month ago. 

And now they're all like, "But you're married."
Last I checked, pastors weren't handing out a copy of Urban Dictionary after the wedding ceremony. I know just as much as I did before I got married. Maybe less, because I'm getting older and having memory loss issues. 

You know what I like? Inside joke innuendoes like how my high school friends and I said "scrabble" when we meant sex. Then they gave me a travel Scrabble at my bachelorette party, and it was hilarious. (At least, we thought it was hilarious, and that's all that mattered. We were really cool in high school.)
Here's what I propose: I think we should all be kind to the poor, unfortunate souls who haven't had the dirty-minded friends that most of us do. Don't laugh at their expense. Kindly explain the innuendo so they can be in on the joke too. Otherwise, they'll learn what motorboating is at the age of 26 during an office game of Things. (Have you ever played Things? It's a great way to learn sexual innuendoes.)

With that, I will share a short story about something that happened to me three days ago. Because while this is not a sexual innuendo, it's pretty funny and fits with the theme. 

Scene
Jordan pretending to kick me away because I'm bothering him while he's trying to sleep. 
Me: Hey, be careful. Don't kick me in my scrotum. 
Jordan: WHAT?!
Me: Isn't that something in your stomach?
Jordan: Um, no. No it is not.

#truestory

[See also: My Most Embarrassing Moment]

17 comments:

  1. Hahaha that is funny. And I am very very much like you. And, all my current friends are my highs cool friends so I totally get this!

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  2. Hahaha that is funny. And I am very very much like you. And, all my current friends are my highs cool friends so I totally get this!

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  3. Oh. my. gosh. I have not laughed that hard in a while! Too good!

    Amanda
    It's an Easy Life

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  4. that last little story is too funny! I actually grew up quite naive. pretty sure my parents had to force to me listen to the sex talk when I was in 5th grade and I really had no idea before that!

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  5. I have never been so proud to be in the "current friends" category.

    -A

    PS I have never seen Field of Dreams. Did you know that?

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  6. Yoooou crack me up. And as a sheltered home schooler who married a guy that was one of four brothers, and 9 years her senior... I'm pretty sure I could make you blush with some of the things I've learned in the past 7 years.

    Motorboating was definitely one of them, hahahahaha!

    Now, my sister is as naive as they get. Just being silly, she sent a stuffed rooster holding a sucker to my brother while he was in his electrical class at vo-tech. She signed it "secret admirer" or something... He was mortified, and she thought she was being all funny. And I only know the innuendo behind that because of B. LOL!

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  7. YEah, you just crossed the line from innuendos to anatomy class. haha Similar story happened to a girl in my HS who jokingly threw something that hit a friend in the eye, so other friend convinced her it had scratched his scrotum (instead of retna) & she went to the nurse asking is she could have scrotum ointment for him.

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  8. BAHAHAHAH Amanda you're hysterical! I love your blog, you're a great writer and incredibly entertaining! You covered this topic perfectly! The first story that comes to mind is from walkabout when a certain dean of students made some comment about someone having jiz on their pants (referring to some spilled substance from dinner) Someone in his group kindly pointed out the incorrectness of his comment. Classic.

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  9. hahaha i do this all the time... but not because im innocent... sometimes words just come out without me intending to do any sexual innuendos at all! Example:

    work function... for some reason we are talking about male porn stars. I quip "I hear its a hard job" meaning "difficult" but everyone turns and looks at me with the expression of "did you just really say that?" I look back at them with food in my mouth...confused...and 2 minutes later I realize what I said.

    I have plenty of more examples from where that came from... but i´ll spare you :P

    -liv
    http://chocolivlovelaugh.blogspot.kr

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  10. I just found this from Helene's blog. I am dying! Too funny! I am the friend who has to explain the innuendos to my innocent friends.

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  11. Oh! I totally clicked on it thinking there'd by a different story about scrotums. How many is too many, right? haha but I liked seeing this one again. Your face is priceless.

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  12. OH my goodness. High school is the toughest for embarrassing moments, and one like this?! I feel for you.

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  13. Ok I don't think I am at all naive but what is motorboating?

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  14. I have found someone else who understands. Praise the Lord. See? I was that girl in high school who didn't have a dirty mind nor any desire to develop one -no matter how "cool" it was.
    When I worked with the football team my senior year (former sports medicine major), I noticed that the guys would ask me really stupid questions and then laugh at my answers. I just figured it had to do with too many blows to the head, but I was later informed that they got a kick from hearing me cheerily say things with wildly sexual double meanings. They would actually tailor questions to get specific answers. Teenage boys... Gotta love them. I guess. -_-

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  15. I laughed out loud! You are so generous for sharing. I think you are a great writer :)

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  16. I laughed out loud! You are so generous for sharing. I think you are a great writer :)

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