Crash Day

9.28.2017


Last weekend I took R and J to Texas to visit my parents. Jordan stayed home for a couple different reasons, and I drove by myself three hours with both kids. It went well overall, and both of them slept  most of the way. There was one panic moment when I heard R say, "Mama, I beed," and I looked in the rearview mirror and saw blood dripping from her nose. She has nosebleeds sometimes, but I was in the middle of traffic on the highway and there wasn't any place to pull over. I reached in her backpack, which was in the passenger seat, and grabbed the first thing I could to give her to hold to her nose, which happened to be a pair of her (clean) underwear. (I keep underwear in her backpack now because we're potty training. I can't believe my baby is this big.)

I finally was able to pull over in a picnic area and cleaned her up, and the rest of the drive was uneventful. I always make sure to drive carefully once I get to their town, because I've gotten pulled over twice mere blocks from my parents' house, once for rolling a stop sign and once for going 23 in a 20 school speed zone. Clearly I shouldn't be given keys to motor vehicles with that kind of reckless driving.

We were in Texas Thursday to Sunday, and it was really nice to have some extended time to hang out with my family. They love my kids so much, and it makes me so happy. On Saturday I had what I'm calling a Crash Day. I woke up with the worst headache I've ever had--not quite migraine status but definitely worse than your average headache. I ended up sleeping the majority of the day and basically only woke up to eat, feed J, and I had one outing around lunchtime to visit a friend of mine from Saint Louis who happened to be in Dallas on business. My dad drove me to meet her because my mom didn't think I was fit to drive.

I was a little worried I wouldn't be able to make it home, but thankfully after taking about 6 naps on Saturday, I woke up on Sunday feeling almost back to normal. It was the strangest thing, and I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, but my mom just said she thought I needed to rest. "For the past month," she said, "you have added a full-time job to your schedule and taken away nothing at all. And,"--then there was a dramatic pause--"you've stopped taking naps." I told her I don't have time to take naps anymore, and she just stared at me. "You're exhausted. I want you to start taking naps again."

I've been thinking a lot this week about my schedule and our routine. I've gotten a few comments about how well I seem to be doing adjusting to two kids, and while I do feel like going from 1 kid to 2 has been so much easier than going from 0 to 1, my crash day has given me a lot to consider about how well I'm actually doing. The truth is, I'm still adjusting. I forget sometimes that I just had a baby three months ago, and that's a lifetime when you're awake yet again at 3am, but really it's nothing.

I'm not happy with the skin flab on my stomach, and although I can fit into most of my pre-pregnancy pants, I'm self-conscious about how most shirts fall on my stomach and end up rotating the same two shirts that I feel don't look terrible. I'm frustrated that I want to go running but I literally don't have the time right now unless I want to workout at an absurd hour like 4am, which I really just don't. I don't like that I haven't read a book in about five months. And I really, really don't like that I haven't been diligent about committing to a daily quiet time to pray and read my Bible.

I am a firm believer that people do have time to do a lot of the things they say they don't have time for. But sometimes it feels like I honestly, truly don't have to time to do all the things I want do to if I also want to sleep at least a few hours at night.

People talk a lot about giving themselves grace, but if I'm honest, I'm really bad at it. I am a bit of a perfectionist, and I can be pretty hard on myself. I try not to compare, I really do. But I see other moms with babies the same age as mine getting workouts in before their kids are awake or moms with more kids than me getting the family up and to church on time, and I just feel a bit defeated. Which sounds so silly and dumb. I KNOW.

I think being back at work has been harder and more tiring for me than I realized until I slept 90% of Saturday while my parents watched my kids. And Jordan helps. He's an awesome dad and husband. I don't want to act like I'm a single parent over here. But guys, I am terrible at delegating. I'm terrible at letting people help me. That's something I'm constantly working on.

Anyway. What is the point of this post? 

I have no idea. Except to say that I promised my mom I'd start taking naps again, and I have taken an afternoon nap every day this week so far, and it has felt amazing. Also, I took both my kids on a road trip to Texas for the weekend and survived (barely).

I'm trying to nail down some specific goals moving forward that will allow me to feel like I'm able to keep more things in my life without wearing myself thin. Here are a few I've got so far: I want to join a gym and go 2 nights a week, I'm thinking Tuesdays so I can watch This Is Us while I run on the treadmill. I want to be in bed by 10:00 at the latest every night (my mom is going to call me and say that's too late, but again, that's at the latest. Ideally 9:00). I want to be intentional about carving out time for more naps. I want to establish chores that Jordan and I each have.

And I really do want to give myself grace, so I'll have to work on that too.

So, um.... I intended to share some pictures from what we've been up to lately, and this mess came out. I don't even know.

Hope you all have a great weekend! Try to take a nap. My mom said so.

21 comments:

  1. Yes, yes and yes. This is exactly how I've felt for pretty much the last year. Now that I'm weaning Crosby and feeling like we're finally settling into life as a family of four, I'm really trying to do more for myself. It's a big reason I'm doing Whole30 and I'm going to try to start running and walking more. I'm just over the "Mombie" season and ready to feel like a human again.

    It's taken me a year to get here, so yes, give yourself grace and ALL THE NAPS!

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  2. Bahahahahaha. Working out. My newest was born the day after yours and even though I’m still on mat leave, there’s still been no time for working out. Definitely go easy on yourself. My oldest is 4, so I think I have it easier than you do, but I remind myself constantly of how this crazy time with a baby passes and that it gets easier. ...you know, next year.

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    1. Thank you! I just do actually LIKE running as a hobby (??? I don't know if hobby is the right word exactly but anyway) and I like how I feel when I work out. So I'd really like to do it, but right now it feels a bit out of reach. Hopefully there will come a season for it regularly again. Yay for June babies! :)

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  3. I'm with your Mom - naps! Naps save the day! Naps for life!

    I'm sorry you are tired though. It's hard.

    And you are doing great at all you are doing. You definitely need to give yourself grace.

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  4. Oh man, postpartum headaches are the worst! It's usually your hormones getting back to normal, produces surges that cause the migraines. I just had one Sunday night that kept me up, but I finally got it under control. I have a few tricks up my sleeve if you're ever interested! :)

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  5. That is so weird what happened to you with the headache. It was very sweet of your dad to drive you to meet your friend though!
    Also a police officer really pulled you over for going 3 mph above the speed limit? That seems a little crazy to me.

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    1. They are really intense down there about driving rules. Thankfully he just gave me a warning and not a ticket!

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  6. I'm glad you were at your parents when that happened- not that Jordan wouldn't have been able to handle it, but your parents are different faces to the kiddos and I'm sure they loved the extra time. I feel like I'm still adjusting, too. Some days it takes everything to just get to bedtime. I literally had no time yesterday to dive into my bible and new study, but I know there will be days like that, sadly. Hoping things turn a corner for you and until then, nap it up!

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  7. Your mom is very wise. Keep taking those naps.

    Have you seen this? https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/ Lots of truth here! Even with the best of husbands/partners, women carry a lot of the mental load around running a household and raising a family. It's exhausting. I think your idea about setting specific goals related to working out and chores is great!

    You're doing awesome.

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  8. sounds like you have an awesome mom :) sometimes we don't know how we are really doing until our body tells us randomly one day. but it's good that you have support and you are listening and thinking about what you can do going forward to help out. you got this!

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  9. It's funny that you've been told you need to nap, because when I was pregnant with my little guy, I refused to nap for the longest time-I wanted to get stuff done and keep living according to my own terms. My husband, my mom, AND my mother-in-law all had to command me to start taking naps, and I finally listened. I think it's really easy to wear myself down without realizing it until it's too late, so those crash-and-burn kind of days are a good reminder that I need to take things slower at times. You're doing a great job, and kudos for tackling a road trip solo with two young kids!

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  10. I love this post. A nap is definitely not going to happen on Saturday, but maybe Sunday? Maybe?

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  11. A nap sounds so fabulous. I have found that I feel like I do more things for myself when I multi-task them. I would probably never finish a book if I didn't listen to audiobooks in the car during my commutes. Maybe you could try one? I get mine free from the library. I bet they have spiritual/inspirational ones that you could get to get your quiet time in. It's really hard to give ourselves grace, but I always try to remember that I always give it to others...so I deserve some too. And so do you!

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  12. Reckless driver indeed! Haha! There's a suburb here in Memphis that's very like that. Which is funny because in Memphis city limits people run red lights all the time (not just the person who speeds up to make the yellow light, but always the car after and sometimes one more car after that). I'm not sure why that's a thing here, but it is. The one fender bender I've been in was because of that (I stopped for a red light and the driver behind me assumed I was going to run it so they rear-ended me). Anyway, that's why it's so funny to me that the suburbs near the city limits are so strict on driving rules. But this isn't the purpose of your post so I digress, ha!

    Two kids in the car for three hours by yourself... one of whom is a baby. I'm amazed. You are supermom. The end.

    Your mom sounds great. It's good she's paying attention and advising you. And I love that you are taking her advice. Those naps can be life savers. Giving yourself grace can be so hard, but I'm glad that you are working on it. And I'm so glad you are taking time to do things that are good for you. You are doing great, Amanda!

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  13. You just had a baby three months ago! I think that you definitely have permission (not that you need it) to nap as much as possible.

    I remember that I had a "crash day" of my own when Abel was about 5 months old. The phrase that kept going through my head on repeat was: "I'm stretched too thin." But when I tried to think of what I could let go, obviously not my job or time with kids or sleep, it was only running and reading, which just didn't seem FAIR! That I should have to give up MY two favorite things!

    Sometimes I look back on the early months with two kids and wonder WHY it was so hard when Abel was just an adorable squishy lump that couldn't even roll over versus a crazy toddler now, but I feel like there a component of emotional exhaustion (plus sleep deprivation is no joke) that is hard to comprehend until you've been there.

    I'm not the best at offering grace to myself either but it is so so necessary. Thanks as always for your honesty. And seriously - Solo road trip with 2 little ones = Supermom.

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  14. Your Mom is so right! You have to take care of yourself and if it's taking a nap you need to make that time. Hugs!

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  15. Ah, family is the best, right? I admire the fact that you packed up two kiddos and took them three hours away!

    Definitely a good message to take care of yourself. Otherwise, how do you take the best care of your kids? I remind myself of this often, but I've literally found no time in the day to do it. I just tell myself that I there will be a season where self care (working out, reading, etc.) will come, but for now, just taking it one hour at a time and enjoying the stage we are in. I do try to multitask. I plan walks around her naps so I can get outside, get some exercise, and I'm going to start listening to my favorite podcast again. As for formal workouts, I may try to squeeze one in on the weekends when my husband is home. We shall see. I know they grow fast, so I'm always balancing the act of taking care of my home, myself, baby-related chores, and spending 1:1 with her. I always choose her so nothing gets done :)

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  16. I could've written this! I struggle with the same things. It helps me to consider what are God's goals for me vs. my goals. There's a lot more grace there, and truth as well. Working on adopting that perspective helps my perfectionism. Thanks for sharing.

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  17. 😩😩😩 yeah. I think I've taken one nap since Elijah was born. Yikes. I could go to bed earlier, but I NEED my alone time. I also need more sleep. I really miss working out, but gym time is just not happening. I haven't even done my DR exercises in weeks.
    I feel so guilty and overwhelmed by how much I leave undone. I'm home all day, not even working, so why can't I keep my house beautiful and cook meals from scratch every day? I just can't keep up.
    And books. I don't think I've seriously tried to read since E was born. I started a devotional when I was pregnant with him, and I never finished it.

    I should probably nap, but that would seriously cut into my junk food time.

    Now I need a pep talk.

    Oh, and road trip with two tinies?! All the trophies for you!

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  18. Hi! I only have one kid and I totally feel you. It is sooooooo hard! It sounds like you are making the right steps to finding more balance and you absolutely have to give yourself more grace. It's hard but so necessary.

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