To All the Single Ladies: 4 Marriage Truths

10.11.2012

When I got married, I understood that I was forever giving up my right to discuss the single life with my girlfriends. Telling someone who desperately wants to find "the one" that they just have to wait it out and that they will find someone eventually and that God has a plan for their life doesn't mean squat coming from someone who already found their special someone and doesn't have to wait it out anymore.

When you're single and talking to another single friend, you can say things like: "Just stop looking for your husband. That's when you'll find him." Or, "Don't settle for anything less than the best." These are, of course, the encouraging things people always say to one another, but when it comes from someone in the same single situation, it's a lot more encouraging because you both are in that spot together. 

I knew that once I got married, those words would sound silly and lame, even patronizing, coming from a married person. So I've tried my best not to be that person and simply accept that I am no longer a reputable source on the topic of singleness. 
But I do have one thing to add before I silence myself forever: To all the single ladies out there--my dear friends who have stopped talking to me about relationship stuff because my status has forever moved to the "Mrs." box--I want to let you know what you're not missing out on so you don't mistakenly believe that marriage is all vanilla cupcakes and lucky charms*.  

1. The Absence of Leftovers


Gone are the days when I could make a quiche and eat it for a week. When sharing every meal with a boy, I don't even have time to get sick of the leftovers! This is bad both for my mental health and my budget. 


At least when I lived alone the hours spent cooking a homemade chicken pot pie paid off when I ate it for the next twenty-three meals. Now a pot pie lasts us for one day. One, I tell you! It's ridiculous. No matter how much I think I've made, it lasts at most one more meal before it's gone like a hot girl in a single's Sunday school fellowship. (See what I did there?)

But seriously. I really do miss leftovers from the bottom of my heart.
And a night where it's acceptable to eat a bowl of oatmeal and half a bagel without someone (ahem) asking me what I'm making for dinner. I blame his mother. Darn her and her delicious Crock-Pot meals! 

2. The Abundance of Laundry

I used to go weeks without doing laundry. Weeeks. Typical girl that I am, I own enough pairs of underwear, socks, bras, pants, and shirts to last at least two weeks, if not three or four depending on how often I showered (see #3). 


But Jordan's a man's manly man. The kind of man who works a trade job and gets dirty and sweaty at work and needs to shower every day. Enter: laundry. Lord have mercy the laundry. 

So. 
Much. 
Laundry. 
Now it's at least once a week that I'm doing a load, sometimes two, even three. And there are only two of us! I don't even want to know what it will be like once we have kids. 

(On that note, I'm thinking we might just have to buy a trailer home and park ourselves next to a creek so we can rinse our clothes in the cold stream water redneck style. I don't exactly know how that would help the laundry problem except that if we did live in a trailer by the creek we could probably get away with just being naked all the time and therefore eliminate clothes/laundry altogether. Just something I'm thinking about. Feel free to discuss.)

3. The Need for Attention to Personal Hygiene 


Question: when you live alone, who cares how often you shower? 
Answer: nobody cares.  

You might find the fact that there's no one around to care about your personal hygiene a depressing conclusion.
I myself find it freeing. 
Trust me: showering is overrated. When you're single, you don't have to worry about judgement from your spouse if (to insert a hypothetical example that in no way relates to my personal life) you haven't showered in four days. Stunk up the bathroom? No problem! Hair turning to dreadlocks because you stopped combing it? Who cares? Not me. I didn't care one bit. 

Until Jordan moved in. 
Then he was all, "Umm, are you going to shower? You know you just played tennis and you're all sweaty. You really should shower."
Psh. Whatever.
Except then I started thinking that maybe I should shower. I didn't want my husband to be disgusted by me. Then I started getting disgusted by me, which was really bad for my self-esteem. See, when you live alone, you can believe anything you want about yourself--anything like the fact that you don't really smell bad from the lack of showering. When you live with someone, you can't ignore your own flaws so easily (see #4).

4. The Inability to Be Hypocritical

It's easy for me to tell Jordan to put his stuff away and clean up his messes in the kitchen, but when you don't live by yourself, you have to practice what you preach; otherwise you get called out. It will sound/look something like this: "Remember when you told me to put my dishes in the dishwasher?" he'll say while raising his eyebrow at me and pointing at the dish I'd left in the sink three days ago. 

When you live alone, you can do what you want when you want all the time. It's awesome. You can leave your stuff out and know that when you return (pending an invasion of some kind be it alien or just your regular burglar) your stuff will be exactly where you left it. 

When you live with a boy, you have to do all the things you tell him to do, lest you get called out for being hypocritical. And, he moves your stuff if he wants to sit on the couch and watch TV and you have it covered in, say, crochet yarn or scrapbooking materials. 

Let me ask you a question: guys get man caves. What do I get? The kitchen table. That's where I do all my creative, crafty things. When we buy a house, I'm taking an entire room for my woman cave.


* * * 
These are just a few things you can--and should--appreciate about the single life. And I didn't even mention the joys of total TV remote access, extra spending money, and getting the bed all to yourself. 
I really should just stop now before I get myself in trouble.**

For those of you who like the Spark Notes version of things, here's what I want you to take away from this post: if you're single, don't shower, do laundry, or buy groceries. All of these actions are completely overrated. 

Trust me. I know stuff. 
I'm married.

*This post was meant to be humorous and full of hypothetical examples that in no way resemble my own personal life.

**No husbands were harmed during the writing of this post.

8 comments:

  1. Oh, the truth. The truth! I try not to tell single friends the "quit looking and you'll find him" bit, too. But darnit, it works...

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  2. Okay, 1) I already don't shower, do laundry, or buy groceries, so I'm totally doing that part right.

    2) Don't say woman cave. That means something WAY different than what you want it to mean.

    -A

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  3. this is so funny! I agree with you! especially about the food one - sometimes I just say I'm just having cereal for dinner. too bad that is not really what he wants. :)

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  4. Ha! I love this post :) I found you through Ashley's link-up. Nice to see another unintentional Oklahoman on here.

    New follower :)

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  5. haha i love all of these! and you are right about the food where does it go? oh thats right into my husband's belly. leftovers only exist if i cook for an army. and hygiene and hearing my husband fart does that conjure up romantic notions of my husband? definitely not but i love him so i deal

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  6. So I am not married but I do live with the boyfriend, and the whole laundry and hygiene thing is totally true!!
    Actually pretty much all those things are true. Except for the leftover thing. He is a veggie and I am not. I normally make 2 different meals for dinner, unless it is fish.

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  7. HILARIOUS! :)
    I completely agree with all of them.. somedays I really miss living in my own apartment..

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