Patterns of Sleep (Or, Ways I Annoy Jordan While Sleeping) PART 2

1.21.2013

About a year ago, I wrote a blog post (Patterns of Sleep, Part 1) about the things I do to annoy Jordan while we're sleeping. Until I married Jordan, there was no one besides my college roommate to tell me I did strange things while I slept....that is, until I DID marry Jordan, and then out came the crazy stories.

When I wrote that first post in March of 2012, it had been almost a full year of marriage, and now, after nearly 2 (in May), I think it's high time for an update. 

Jordan likes to tease me about the fact that I could sleep through anything. You could parade a marching band through our room with tubas and trumpets playing The Star Spangled Banner as loud as they could, and I wouldn't notice. But for some reason, lately I've been doing this thing where I get in that between-dreaming-and-awake state where you sort of wake up, and you know something is going on but you don't know what. 

During these times I get irrationally upset. Like, the Hulk and I could swap rage stories upset. 

When we first got married, Jordan and I didn't not want to go to bed at the same time. It was like we were 16. "Don't go to bed without me!" "No YOU don't go to bed with out ME!"
Gross.

This cute honeymoon stage lasted approximately two days, until Jordan realized that I am a grandma and like to go to bed before the sun goes down. It is a rare occasion when I don't fall asleep before he does, and it takes about 30 seconds before I'm hard asleep.

Every night he rolls over and gives me a kiss before turning off his light. Because we're cute and stuff. Lately, however, I've been waking up when he kisses me. This is where the irrational rage comes in. 
One night he kissed me, and I woke up and shouted, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" 
And he said, "Um, well, I just kissed you."
And I said, "WELL STOP TOUCHING ME."
Then I glared at him and rolled over to face the wall.

The next morning, I didn't remember anything about it. When I told him I didn't remember, he looked at me like this:

Another time, I purposely fell asleep on his side of the bed with my feet on his pillow and my head facing the bottom. I thought I was so funny, and I fell asleep chuckling to myself. "He's going to come in, and I will be asleep on his side!" (Chuckles) "AND my head is facing the wrong end!" (Chuckles) 

This is real-life excitement, people.

When Jordan comes in an hour or so later, I'm asleep, obviously. My evil plan is working beautifully, except in all my plotting, I didn't consider the fact that when he did come in, he would wake me up and force me to move, initiating the irrational rage. Nevermind that the whole thing had been my idea in the first place.

So he comes in and shakes me, and says, "Why are you on my side? You're weird."
And I'm like, "WHAT IS HAPPENING?"
And he's like, "Um, you're on my side. And you're crazy. Move."
And I'm like, "WHYYYYYY?"
Suddenly, in my dreamlike state, I remember what happened, and I say, "This seemed like a good idea at the time." To which Jordan replies, "You did this on purpose?"

Then he looks at me like this:

Again, I didn't remember this until the next morning when he reminded me, and even then he had to fill in some missing details.

These kinds of things have been happening lately, and more often than not Jordan has some weird story about me getting mad in my sleep. Sometimes I remember, sometimes I don't, but I never remember the whole story, and it's really fun to hear Jordan reenact the previous night's ridiculous episode. Thankfully, he realizes I am sleeping and not in control of what I'm doing, so he doesn't get mad at me for being mean to him. In fact, he usually finds it funny. 

Which is exactly what happened last night.

I was tired, and Jordan was in the man cave/extra bedroom/library watching Blades of Glory and playing a video game. I wanted to go to sleep, but I also wanted to hang out with him, so I felt like a fair compromise would be to get ready for bed and then take my blanket into the other room to fall asleep on the futon. Jordan warned me ahead of time that when it was time for him to go to bed, he would wake me up and move me. "So don't get mad," he said. I assured him that I would be fine. Lies!

As it happened, I naturally "woke up" at the same time he was ready to go into our bedroom. I say "woke up," because it soon became clear that I was not, in fact, awake. He walked me to bed, and I lay down. He leaned over to kiss me, and I promptly started trying to make out with him while mumbling incoherently and drooling on myself. I have no explanation. 

After Jordan successfully freed himself from my unconscious advances, I fell back asleep, and he started his nightly reading ritual (right now he's reading The Fellowship of the Ring). Just before he turned out his light, he noticed I had an eyelash on my cheek, and he reached over to get it. What he didn't know was that at that exact moment, I was having a dream that something was on my face. I don't know if it was a hair or an insect, but whatever it was caused me to violently flail my arms in the air just when he reached for the eyelash.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" I shouted. My rages seem to have a theme.
"You had an eyelash."
Then we both started laughing, me more hysterically than him, because when you're dream-awake, every emotion is intensified. 
"Okay," I said. "Thanks." Then I closed my eyes. But I could feel him staring at me, so I opened them again. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" 
"Just looking at you cuz you're pretty."
"WELL STOP IT! LET ME SLEEP."
Then I closed my eyes. But I could still feel him staring at me. 
"SERIOUSLY! STOP IT! LET ME SLEEP!"
Then I started laughing, and he started laughing.
"WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING?" As if I hadn't just been laughing. 
Then I started crying. I grabbed a blanket, stormed out of the room, and said, "I'm sleeping in the other room."
Jordan chased me into the other room, laughing the whole time, and slowly talked me off the proverbial ledge in that calming way you're supposed to talk to crazy people. "Come on. Don't sleep in here. Come back to bed."
"Well are you going to stop looking at me and let me sleep?"
"Yes. I will."
So we got to bed, and I fell into a hard sleep in not-quite-literally-but-almost 3 seconds. The next morning I remembered the whole thing vaguely, but he had to fill in a lot. And I definitely did not remember trying to make out with him. So weird. 

I don't know what the moral of the story is unless it's that you should be glad YOU don't sleep with me. Because I would probably try to assault you. That, and Jordan is a forgiving person in real life and while I sleep. For this I am glad. 

It appears I might have to make these sleeping update posts a yearly tradition, because as crazy as I used to be, it appears I've given me a run for my money.

Until next year, sweet dreams! 

10 comments:

  1. Girl, one day, when you get pregnant, you are going to be a riot. Pregnancy dreams are weird times infinity. I hope you blog yours.

    After Q was born I had a dream I lost him in the bed. When B tried telling me that he was NOT IN OUR ROOM (he wasn't, he was in his nursery) I started beating B with a pillow repeating "You don't know anything!" and then I woke up.

    Wife of the year.

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  2. hahahahaha this is so hilarious! I hate it when McKay goes to bed before me...only because I think every sound I hear is a robber! But I am so with you on the kissing-while-sleeping thing. I would rather just not be woken up. lol. So un-romantic of us! hahahahaha

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  3. hahahaha omg this is so funny!! i think i do weird things in my sleep/have the weirdest dreams ever. being dream- awake is such a weird expereince!

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  4. The only recurring thought I had throughout this entire post was, "Poor Jordan. Poor, poor Jordan."

    I hope you know he's a saint and you're completely ridiculous. On this matter, at least. I can't speak to the rest of your relationship. Maybe he does something ridiculous that you put up with that evens things up. In fact, I hope he does. Otherwise he really IS a saint.

    Also, your feet on his pillow? That is disgusting and unnecessarily cruel. You might as well have dipped his toothbrush in the toilet.

    -A

    PS Given how completely disgusting I think feet are at any given time, I might be overreacting. Maybe Jordan doesn't think it's THAT gross. Hopefully he doesn't.

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  5. Oh man. A little bit of talking and mumbling is the best we've got. I am glad I don't sleep with you :)

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  6. Reeses Pieces, I laughed out loud the entire post. I even cried a tear or two I was laughing to hard. I want continuous updates. These stories are always so great.

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  7. i wish i could sleep through anything - I am the lightest sleeper! and chris has had some crazy sleep talking/dreams that are pretty funny! And too go to bed a while before chris!

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  8. So funny! One of your best posts ever.

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  9. hahaha this is hilarious. And I would do the same.damn.thing to my fiance about sleeping upside down on his side of the bed. And find it equally HA-larious. Sometimes I don't know I am still engaged...

    So glad I found your blog from Helene!

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