Spiders and Feminism

4.20.2011

I'm scared of snakes. Scared out of my mind, in fact. Jokes where people throw a rubber snake on me because they think it's funny don't go over so well with me. I scream and then start crying. I refuse to even step foot inside the reptile house at the zoo.

I'm really not, however, scared of spiders. Yeah, they're creepy and have lots of legs, and they might even be poisonous. And I would never want one on me. Still, I don't freak out and run away screaming when I see one (like I would if I saw a snake).

The point of all of this is to say that two days ago I was on the phone with Jordan when I turned and saw a dangling black thing coming from the ceiling. Where it came from, I have no idea (I know it came from the ceiling, but I mean where did it come from?); but it was there, and it was slowly making it's way down, probably looking for a nice head to drop on.

"Oh my gosh!" I said.
"What?" It was Jordan, on the other end of the phone.
"It's a spider! Ihavetogokillit."
"Oka--"
I didn't even give him time to finish; I just hung up the phone and ran to get a paper towel, with which I was going to crush the life out of that spider.

It was fairly large. I mean, it wasn't huge, but it wasn't one of those little baby ones.

I stood on a chair and positioned the paper towel evenly between my hands. Since the thing was hanging, my plan was to go from the bottom. I reached out, and just as I was about to lay on the death squash, it crawled farther down the string (or made the string or something; I don't really know much about spiders). This freaked me out just a bit, because I became worried that if I missed or failed to adequately kill it on the first press, it would fall down my sleeve and run around inside my shirt. Then what would I do? Standing on my chair, I hesitated, staring at the spider up close, daring it to move again.

Finally, I decided this was stupid and I should stop playing the eye-blinking game with a dumb spider.

Pull yourself together, I thought. Just kill it.

Then, as if I needed verbal affirmation of my fortitude, I said out loud,

"You are a strong, confident woman."

Nevermind that I was the one who said it, it was exactly what I needed to hear. So I pressed my hands together (felt a bit of a squish between my palms, if you want to know the truth) and calmly walked (okay, ran) to the bathroom so I could flush its remains down the toilet. 

I then called Jordan back but only got his voicemail. After leaving him a rather dramatic message about how I was surprised he wasn't waiting by the phone to see if I'd made it out alive and, hey, doesn't he love me anymore? I put the chair back, washed my hands, and laid down to read my book, glancing at the ceiling above me every couple of minutes just in case Spidy's friends decided they wanted revenge.

See? I'm not scared of spiders one bit.

4 comments:

  1. OHmigosh. ew. ew. ew. ew. ew.

    that is all I have to say.

    oh, except - "you are strong, confident woman?" are you TRYING to quit smoking in your sleep?

    -A

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  2. 1) You're hilarious

    2) You're a really good story teller.

    3) I DO THE SAME THING!!!! Although once I wasn't thinking & I said the similar line from Jerry Maguire to a friend & told her she was "a strong, confident black man" although not black nor a man. So sometimes she likes to tell me the same thing... like when giant beetles fly into my home & I have to get up the nerve to crush it. http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=37086636&l=fcbfd0d1a4&id=23102405 I was a strong, confident black man.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Audra, yes, it was strange what I said. No idea where that came from. Maybe I was flashing back to that Friends episode where Chandler listens to that smoking tape at night.

    Lauren, well thanks! And, giant beetles? I think I'll take the spider :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh, that wasn't an intentional reference? I thought it was.

    ReplyDelete

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