He Knew


After I heard the news, I just stared at the pictures, the words blurring on my computer screen as my eyes filled with tears. Thankfully, it was almost my lunch break, so I went out to my car, where I promptly burst into tears. 

I cried tears of sadness first. For those who are injured or dead or who have family members or friends involved. The next tears were selfishly of fear. Because I go to work, to the movies, to the mall, always assuming I'll come home at the end of the day. I'm afraid of being afraid to do all those things.

We want to know what kind of person could do something like this, but the truth is, there are people all over the world who could do something like this. It dates back all the way to the beginning, when Cain killed his own brother, Abel.

I had this horrible, helpless feeling most of the day. There's so much evil, so much sadness, and I worry about silly, trivial things. I had a hard time focusing on my work, because I didn't feel like it even mattered. It didn't mean anything in the face of such grief. 

The thing that gives me the most peace is knowing that while I was shocked by what happened in Connecticut, God was not. 
He was not taken by surprise. 
He knew. 

This fact, one that brings me comfort, is often the very thing that makes people the most upset. If God knew, that means he could have stopped it. He obviously didn't, so that must mean he's not a good God. He doesn't really care. Or it might even be that he couldn't stop it. This is one of Satan's most powerful lies. 

I have only a few childhood experiences with unexpected tragedy, but they are small. I don't know how I would react should something like this affect me directly now. My prayer is that I will be able to cling to what I am teaching myself, repeating it over and over so it might become my instant reply: that God is mighty, powerful, and merciful. He is my joy, my hope, my peace, and my comfort. That I trust that his plan is good and that one day he will return, and in that day there will be no more tears.

I turned off comments on the post. This was more about me putting words to my feelings than a place for commentary. I don't like talking about politics or religion much because I either feel inadequate as far as my ability to have an informed discussion or because I just flat-out don't understand the other side's point of view and get frustrated. That and I would rather be funny than serious.

What I did want to get across was that God knew this was going to happen, and while he weeps, he was not surprised. Take it or leave it as you will. That's the truth of it. I hope that brings you comfort like it does me, even in the midst of unimaginable heartbreak.

If God were small enough to be understood, 
He would not be big enough to be worshiped.-Evelyn Underhill