The Space Bed

3.17.2011

I went tanning yesterday for the first time ever. 

And before you get all you're-one-of-those-brides on me, realize that I have built-in tan lines from years of summer tennising (a few years ago I made tennising a word) and really want to look my best for my wedding.

Thus, the tanning. 


I had no idea what to expect, but (strangely) it didn't occur to me that I would immediately feel like I was being baked. The lights turned on, and I had these thoughts:

ohmygoshwhatishappening
it's really bright in here
am i going to go blind?
better keep my eyes shut
this bed is going to lift off
and take me into outer space
with the robots and black holes
and then i'm going to die


Once I'd convinced myself to calm down, I spent the next 10 minutes trying to remember if I'd told the girl ten minutes and not twenty. That led to wondering if it would, in fact, shut off after ten minutes. Which led me to start counting "mississippily."


I only got to twelve before I felt uncomfortable lying flat and tried moving. 
After hitting my right knee rather hard on the top of the space shuttle, I decided to just stay flat.


At some point I wondered if I was supposed to flip over, but then I remembered hitting my knee and realized that, no, I really shouldn't move. 


It was probably during the eighth longest minute of my life that I found myself wondering how on earth people fell asleep in these things. I just knew that if I fell asleep I'd never wake  up.


When the shuttle finally landed, I crawled out of my oven and had never been so happy. I got back to the apartment, and Jordan was there.


"Your face looks red," he told me. 
"It's because I'm flustered," I said.


All that to say...
I'm not sure what to think about tanning. 
It was mildly terrifying and mostly just weird. 

Can't say I'd recommend it.

5 comments:

  1. I have been going to a tanning bed where you stand up and hang on to these bars that are screwed into the top of the bed. More even tan? yes. More exhausting? yes. Extremely awkward? double yes. But I am determined for my skin to not be the same shade of ivory as my wedding gown. :)

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  2. I don't like the beds. My butt always burns! But definitely keep your eyes closed, you had the right idea on that one.

    I like the stand-up booths better too. No butt burn, no pale sides, totally even tan. Have you thought about just spray tanning instead? Once & done. (Well actually I'd do a test run plenty in advance to see if you like it, so twice & done)

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  3. 1) I am surprised I did not hear about this incident on Gchat. Only because if it was that traumatic, it just seems like something you would've mentioned, at least in passing.

    2) I was not planning to dignify a post on such an asinine activity with a comment.

    3) But then you used the word "mississippily," and I had to comment. Otherwise how would you know that I saw, acknowledged, and LOVED it. ("Did you count missisSIPpily?!")

    4) If you learned anything from the mississippily episode, then you will most certainly NOT try a spray tan.

    4) I like how you told Jordan your face was red because you were flustered rather than because you'd just been tanning.

    5) I am relieved to hear that you would NOT recommend tanning to someone else.

    6) I tried to post this comment before, and it wouldn't let me. Stupid Blogger.

    -audra-

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  4. CRAP I messed up my counting. dangit.

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  5. Katie, that's a good idea! I agree on the ivory thing.

    Lauren, I might have to try spray tanning. We'll see... :)

    Audra, I totally didn't realize you messed up your counting until you said something. THEN I laughed. out. loud. HA.

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